


we ain't ever getting older

by befham



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2018-10-03 08:51:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10240835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/befham/pseuds/befham
Summary: Tara comes back home 5 years later to a man that is completely different than the boy that she left behind.





	1. Chapter 1

She gets the call on a Tuesday. After years of self inflicted abuse, dear old dad’s ailing body finally gives up and it’s only when the doctors have given up on the waste of space does he bother to call her.

“I’m dying kid,” he had rasped down the phone as she sat stiffly in her office chair wondering what the fuck she was supposed to say to the man who had all but forgotten that he even had a daughter the moment his wife died. Was she supposed to say sorry? Act surprised? The only thing Tara was surprised about was the fact that he hadn’t died years ago choking on his own vomit during a bender.

“I...I don’t have the right to ask, but come home Tara. I want to see my daughter.” She had felt a pang of sympathy for the man despite her desire to stay far away from him and that poisonous town he had never ventured from for his entire life. He’d been stuck in a house filled with the ghost of his dead wife, all alone after years of neglecting his daughter and pushing his friends away who had long since given up on him. The guilt that she had not ever returned had disappeared years ago.

She’d closed her eyes and had willed herself to remain civil. “And what of your granddaughter?”

There was silence down the phone followed by a deep, hacking cough. “I want to meet her,” he said, his weathered voice tired. Had he sounded that tired when she last spoke to him three years ago to tell him he was going to be a grandfather? All she could remember was the long silence and the anger in his voice as he demanded to know who the father was followed by an unpleasant argument that had been years in the making.

“Please Tara. I don’t want to be alone,” he’d said tightly, and though she would rather catch the bubonic plague than set one foot back in that town, Tara had quietly agreed to return by the weekend.

But when she had set eyes on her father’s ailing body and his bloodshot eyes for the first time in sixteen years, she had pushed passed the urge to flee and played the dutiful daughter who had come home to be by her father’s deathbed. It shocks her that she still loves him despite the resentment she feels towards the man, but she pities him more and it’s for the vague memory of the man he used to be that she sits at his bedside, letting him get to know his granddaughter and the woman that his daughter has become.

But she can’t keep her hands from shaking.

Tara Knowles can perform the most complex surgery on a tiny human heart with the steadiest hands and not break a sweat, but the moment she steps into Charming she turns into a nervous wreck who can barely hold a pen let alone a scalpel.

_ At least I won’t be actually holding the scalpel, _ she thinks snarkily. If Tara was allowed anywhere near an OR in the state she’s in, then she’s pretty sure she’d be smacked with a malpractice suit that she really doesn’t need.  

She leans against the nurse’s station in exhaustion and tries to pay attention to the chart in front of her. Cursing her aching feet, she wonders again what she’s even doing here. She doesn’t have time to play the dutiful daughter, let alone agreeing to consult on a case of a newborn, yet here she is. She doesn’t want to be here, in this tiny hospital in this town that holds way too many memories and brings out feelings that she had thought she had buried long ago.

But she  _ had  _ to say yes when Dr Nemid had asked her to consult on his case. A small part of her had agreed because St Thomas is a small hospital with an even smaller budget, and though she has no doubt that the doctors here are trained to the best of their ability, there’s not a neonatal surgeon on staff with her education. But mostly she agreed because she recalls with perfect clarity Stacey Chapman, now a nurse but Tara will forever remember her as the stuck up bitch who Jax fooled around with to make her jealous on one of their numerous breaks, staring at her in disbelief at being asked. She can still remember the whispers about her, Tara Knowles, the girl with the drunk daddy. Who would have thought that she would have become a doctor, let alone one of the best in her field despite her age?

She’d spent her teenage years running around with bikers and taking care of her father's drunken ass. She said yes to show everybody in Charming that they were wrong about her. She got out of this deadbeat town and made a life for herself. So despite her brain telling her that she has nothing to prove to anyone, Tara had put on her most expensive black pants and a white blouse, pairing them with her highest designer heels that even Gemma Teller couldn’t compete with.

Of course the shoes were a bad idea, but at least she looked the part of the professional doctor who had a clue what the fuck she was doing.

Sparing a thought for her dying father, Tara pushes the guilt away. It was only one consult after all. A few hours not spent at his bedside waiting for his failing liver to give up already does not mean she is abandoning him. Besides, after sixteen years of little contact, what does the old man expect? She’s sucked up her pride and despite every cell in her body telling her that this is a bad idea, she’s here.

There’s a tug on her lab coat.

Tara shakes herself. She looks down and blinks in surprise. A little boy with blonde hair and cool blue eyes stares up at her, his handsome face suspiciously blank. Tara raises an eyebrow and gives the boy a smile. “Hello.”

The little boy smiles brightly. “Hi,” he says quietly.

There’s an awkward stretch of silence as Tara looks around the corridor, her eyes lingering on two nurses trailing after a doctor but is otherwise empty. Her eyes flick back down to the little boy, her smile widening at the cheeky grin he’s giving her. “Where are your parents?”

The kid shrugs, clearly not worried about worried about the panic that he’s bound to have caused. “I ran away from my daddy.”

“Huh,” Tara responds at a loss for words and wondering what the fuck she’s supposed to do. Tara looks around praying for this kid’s disgruntled dad to show up and save her from this situation, but the corridor remains eerily absent. Tara peers back down at the kid and wonders if her day is about to get even worse.

“So you’re lost?” The boy nods, though he doesn’t seem to give a crap about his current state. A reluctant smile tugs at her lips. “Why did you run away?”

The kid pulls a disgruntled face. “Cause he said I got to see the doctor.”

Tara raises an eyebrow. “So you ran away?” The kid nods solemnly and it takes every ounce of self control she possesses not to laugh. “What’s your name?”

“Abel.”

Tara crouches down until she is level with the kid. “Well Abel, my name’s Tara.” She holds out a hand and the little boy shakes it without the slightest hesitation. So much for stranger danger.

“Are you a doctor?”

“Yes I am.”

“I wouldn’t of ran away if you were my doctor,” the boy says sweetly. “You’re nice.”

Tara laughs, he heart melting at the kid’s smooth words and charming smile. She yearns to have Evie in her arms, to see her daughter’s sassy smile and her adorable laugh. “Oh yeah? Who’s your doctor?”

Abel wrinkles his nose and says in disgust, “Dr. Hooper. He’s a jerk!”

Tara hides a wince. Her brief meeting with the middle aged man who spent their entire conversation staring at her tits had been enough for her to form an opinion on him. She feels a pang of sympathy for the boy as she remembers that he’s a cardiothoracic specialist. “That sucks. I would have ran away too if I had to go see him.”

Tara’s heart clenches and holds out a hand for the boy. “How about we go find your daddy? I’m sure he’s worried.”

Abel looks at her hand suspiciously. “Do I still have to see Dr. Hooper?”

Tara’s lips twitch into a smile. “Afraid so kid. But the sooner you see him, the sooner you can get away from him.”

Abel narrows his eyes at her and stares at her steadily. Tara stands up and stares the kid down with a raised eyebrow. She’s used to being sassed by a two year old, she’s pretty sure she can hold her own against a kid that isn’t even her own no matter how cute he is.

“Get me some chocolate and I’ll go.”

Tara’s laughter catches her by surprise. “Wow. You know how to drive a hard bargain kid. Alright then, if it gets you back to your daddy we can pick some up along the away.”

As promised, Tara stops at the closest vending machine and gets the kid a candy bar. The kid stares up at her as she opens it for him. “Do you work here?” he asks.

Tara shakes her head. “No. I’m visiting my dad,” she says, making sure to take his hand once more to stop the kid from doing another runner.

“Do you live in Charming?”

“I live in Chicago.”

Abel wrinkles his nose. “Where?”

Tara raises an eyebrow. “It’s far away. Stop stalling kid. A deal’s a deal. You’ve had your chocolate, now you have to see Dr Hooper.”

Abel narrows his eyes at her, and though she’s sure he means for it to be threatening, she swallows back a laugh. Tara stares right back down at him, and though it takes a moment, Abel rolls his eyes. “Why can’t you be my doctor?” Abel demands sullenly. “Dr Hooper’s breath smells funny.”

_ Jesus, this kid is a hoot _ . “I’m not a cardiothoracic specialist, Abel,” Tara says gently. The kid looks up at her blankly. “I’m a doctor for babies. Dr Hooper is a heart doctor-”

“It’s only a check up,” he says before eating the last of his chocolate. A wave of relief rushes over her.

“I don’t work here Abel. If you’re here for a check up, it will be over before you know it. You don’t want to worry your daddy, do you?”

Abel sighs and shakes his head. “My daddy’s going to be mad,” he says solemnly, his blue eyes flashing up to hers.

_ With good reason. _

“He might be a little mad, but it’s only because he’s worried-”

“Abel!” a frantic voice shouts behind them. Tara freezes, her throat tightening with just that one word, and without turning she knows who’s going to be standing behind them. It doesn’t matter that it’s been sixteen years, she can still hear the sound of his voice in her ear with perfect clarity. Her hand goes limp in Abel’s all the while feeling like a complete and utter fool for not even considering the possibility that he would be here. She looks down at Abel as he shoots her a worried look, and  _ fuck  _ how did she not see it sooner?

He’s the image of the boy who she used to build sandcastles with thirty years ago.

For somebody so smart, she’s a fucking idiot.

Abel let’s go of her hand and turns around. “Hi daddy,” the kid says nonchalantly, as though he hadn’t run off and left mayhem in his wake.

Tara doesn’t turn. She’s debating whether or not she can walk away without either of them noticing, but Abel’s hand brushes against her and she just  _ can’t. _ It’s her worst nightmare and her greatest desire, meeting him once again after all of these years.

“Jesus Christ Abel!” the voice says getting closer and closer. Tara’s heart is pounding wildly in her chest, the urge to flee growing stronger the closer he gets but her legs remain uncooperative. She closes her eyes and forces herself to take a breath and calm the fuck down. She’s an adult, a mother, a fucking  _ surgeon!  _ She can handle seeing her high school boyfriend.

“You can’t just run off like that,” he’s saying, his voice wild with anger and relief. From the corner of her eye she can see the top of his blonde head crouching down in front of Abel as he pulls the boy into his arms. “Where the hell have you been?”

Abel shuffles out of his father’s arms and steps back. “I got lost Daddy. I’m really sorry that I ran away, but i  _ hate  _ Dr Hooper! But then Tara found me and got me chocolate. I want her to be my doctor-”

Tara turns around as Abel carries on talking, though she has no idea what he’s saying because all she can see is Jax’s incredulous blue eyes as they look up at her as if he’s seen a ghost.

“Hi,” she says, her voice a little more than a breathless whisper.

Jax remains silent, his gaze fixed firmly on her as he slowly straightens up to his full height. The nineteen year old boy that she’d left behind is somehow even better looking at the age of thirty five. He towers over her now, all broad shoulders and hard muscles, the lines around his eyes adding character to his face. His once long hair that framed his face is now gelled back, making him look mature and dangerous.

He’s still beautiful, but he’s all the more dangerous.

Tara watches as his shock turns to an emotion that she cannot name, his eyes hardening as they leave hers and slowly travel down her body. She forces herself to not flinch under his gaze, knowing that he’s trying to make her uncomfortable. And though it’s working, she’s thankful that she has spent every damn day since she got making sure that she looks good to the judgmental people of this town.

For the life of her, she cannot think of a single fucking thing to say. She aches to ask him about his life, the club and his adorable son. But when his eyes finally meet hers once more they are so cold that she’s pretty sure that the last thing Jackson Teller wants is to have a conversation with her.

Tara’s heart sinks as he takes Abel’s hand as his frosty eyes slowly dismiss her. She wants to step closer to him and demand what the fuck has she done for him to stare at her like that.

“Thanks,” he tosses out over his shoulder as he walks away without a single glance back at her. Oblivious to what happened between them, Abel turns back and waves at her, his smile lighting up his entire face as Tara waves back despite the tears pricking her eyes.

_ What happened to you? Where is the boy that I loved? _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With my other story coming to an end soon, I will be starting up on this one. Forgive me for taking so long to update, I hope you all enjoy.

See the thing is, she’s not naive enough to believe that Jax had left Charming. With half of the town deathly afraid of him, and the other half all too eager to spread their legs for him, Jax has had it made in Charming from the moment he embraced the club, and only an idiot would give that sort of power.

But she had planned on avoiding him and his poisonous mother for her entire stay, and if there’s one thing that Tara Knowles is good at, it’s avoiding her problems.

Still, as she’s standing in the corridor watching him pull his son along - something she cannot bear to think about right now - feeling rather pathetic for all of the feelings bubbling away in the deep pit of her belly when clearly she has no effect on the man she has pathetically been pining after for fifteen years, Abel turns around, smiles at her and gives her a little wave. And damn, those big blue eyes are breaking her heart almost as much as his father’s did once upon a time. She smiles right back at him, pushing aside any feelings of embarrassment and waves back until he rounds the corner.

“It’s a shame isn’t it?” Tara turns and has to refrain from rolling her eyes. The administrator, Margaret, is like an unloved puppy who just won’t take a hint. Since she’s got here, the woman has made it her mission to annoy Tara into taking the conveniently new Head of Neonatal position in St Thomas. It’s a small hospital, nothing like the busy Chicago hospital where she currently works and she doubts that such a position even exists here. But with Evie to think about, she has been considering joining a private practice or taking a role in a small hospital for a while now.

But coming back to Charming? Not a chance.

“I’m sorry?” Tara asks, her eyes taking in Margaret’s narrowed eyes and folded arms as she stares after Jax and Abel.

“That the poor boy has got a father such as him,” Margaret snipes as she turns to look at Tara shrewdly, her voice dropping as she leans closer to give her the local gossip on the big bad bikers. “He’s such a sweet boy, but he hasn’t got a chance being surrounded by those thugs. And that one is the worst of the lot. He’s the _President!_ ” she whispers gleefully, her eyes dancing spitefully.

Tara bristles. _President?_ She stores that away for later, because she honestly can’t believe the nerve of this woman. She can’t be from around here or she wouldn’t have dared to talk crap about Jackson Teller to her. “You don’t know who I am, do you?” Tara says, a cruel smirk twisting her lips.

Sensing that all is not well, Margaret takes a step back, her spiteful face losing some of it’s judgment as she regards Tara. “Well yes-”

“Clearly you don’t. You don’t know anything about that kid’s life, or his father.”

Margaret scoffs and stares at her in disbelief as she gains confidence once again. “I don’t know what your father has told you about the Sons of Anarchy, but those men are criminals Dr Knowles and you’d be wise to stay away from them. That child-”

“That child may be surrounded by hardened criminals and _thugs_ as you say, but I can guarantee that that kid will want for nothing in his life and will forever be protected and loved by those men. It’s more than what half of the kids around here get. Believe me, I know,” Tara snaps, towering over Margaret who flinches away from her. Ignoring the woman’s stunned expression, Tara leaves her gaping after her as she heads in the opposite direction of Jax.

She has every intention of going back to her father’s bedside, but her feet carry her to the exit and to the shop across the street. She vows to just buy a bottle of water, but she buys a carton of cigarettes and a pack of lighters which is how she finds herself sitting on the wall outside of the hospital smoking the first cigarette she’s had in over five years since her residency when all she lived on was tequila, coffee and packets of Marlboro.

She’s such a fucking cliche. 

She doesn’t know how long she sits there for, but she’s on her fourth cigarette when she feels someone come up beside her. It’s been years since someone has managed to catch her off guard, but he’s always had a knack for it with her. Though she stiffens, she doesn’t turn to look at him, her gaze fixed firmly on the quiet car park.

She can feel his predatory eyes on her, studying every inch of her from head to toe, taking in everything about her now. His eyes linger on her lab coat, and she feels a swell of pride. _Look at what I’ve become_ . _I made it Jax._ She wishes to do the study him too, to take in every inch of his skin to see what remains the same and what has changed. She aches to trace every new tattoo and every new scar with her fingertips, to see if the same spots still drive him crazy with her touch- 

But she can’t.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Tara asks softly after a tense moment of silence and it’s clear that he isn’t going to be the first once to speak. Her pride was long gone the second she heard Abel calling him Daddy, and she has never had any qualms about calling Jax out on his bullshit. He has already looked at her as though she’s the devil incarnate once today. She can handle it again now that she’s prepared for it.

Watching him from the corner of her eye, Jax steps closer to her and takes the cigarette carton where it’s resting on the wall and pulls one out. He sits three feet from her as he steals her lighter, and it’s enough to make her head spin at having him so close after all of these years.

Though she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction, she cannot help but watch in fascination as his cheeks sink inward with the pull of his breath, a steady stream of smoke slipping from his lips and curling up past his predatory eyes.

“You caught me off guard,” Jax says stiffly, pulling a face at the cigarette. “You still smoke this shit?” he asks.

“Not lately.” Tara pushes her hair back as she sucks in a breath to steady herself as she turns to face him properly. Jax’s eyes dart away from her when their eyes meet, and other than the obvious, she wonders what the hell she has done to deserve to be looked at as though she is his greatest enemy in the world. They didn’t leave on the best of terms. She resented him for choosing to stay, and he resented her for wanting to leave. But despite their feelings, they still came together on her last night in Charming to say goodbye.

Still, it hurts, having those eyes that were once filled with love look upon her with what she’s pretty sure is hate.

She shouldn’t even care. She’s a surgeon, a mom. She’s thirty five for fucks sake, yet she’s sitting here like she’s 15 again and is about to burst into tears because the boy she likes hates her- 

God, she’s pathetic.

She’s still waiting for her answer, but judging by his stony silence, she knows that she’s going to have to make the first move. Swallowing back her nerves, Tara opens with a safe topic. “Abel’s a nice kid.” She pauses, hoping for some fatherly pride from him but Jax remains stubbornly silent. “Does he always take off before his appointments-”

“I’m not here to make nice Tara,” Jax says stiffly.

Right. Obviously.

“Then why are you here?” Tara pushes, growing impatient and damn right pissed with his shitty attitude.

“I have no idea.” He flicks his cigarette away and stands. He doesn’t move for a second, some internal battle happening in his brilliant mind right before her eyes, but then he’s walking away from her without even a glance in her direction.

So many emotions flood through her in that second, but the most prominent one is rage. 

“You know, since I’ve been back, I’ve been playing how this would go through my head. I was so _scared_ to see you again. I didn’t know how you would react, how _I_ would react. But not once did I ever think that you would hate me,” she calls after him, proud that her voice doesn’t break despite the sob that wants to burst from her.

Jax pauses and slowly turns around. “I don’t hate you,” he says stiffly, almost reluctantly.

Tara takes one last drag on her cigarette and flicks it away, her eyes never leaving his as she stands and steps closer to him. She’s so close to him, closer than she’s been in years. Those blue, blue eyes stare down at her, and even in these ridiculous heels he still towers over her, but his size has never intimidated her. _He_ has never intimidated her.

He’s the same, and yet totally different. He was a good looking teenager, leaving a trail of broken hearts before he even started high school. But now he’s on a whole new level. He’s filled out, his shoulders wide and strong. He has a full on beard now rather than the scruff he sported once upon a time, though she can still see the strong clench of his jaw.There are a few lines on his face and one or two new scars, yet they give character to his achingly beautiful face.

But still, she searches for the boy that she loved in this man who is now a stranger to her. Something flickers in his eyes, and just for one second, he’s her Jax again. The gentle, passionate boy who loved her in a way that was terrifyingly wonderful.

“Fuck you Jax,” Tara says softly, and she pushes passed him before he’s a stranger again, her shoulder knocking into his as she seeks sanctuary in the hospital once more.

She doesn’t look back, but she can feel his eyes on her until she’s out of sight.

It’s the most alive she has felt in years.


End file.
